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In exactly two short weeks, yours truly will be 25. Pinch me. When I tell you that I never could have made it without…. 1. My spiritual anchor #IFoundGodAndSheLovedMeFiercely So what I’ve learned is that I’ve been lying. Lying about being a Christian…either lying or very confused.  I am totally liberal when it comes to religion. I do not assert myself as a Christian anymore, because I base my religion on relationship and conviction. Here is the thing. I don’t think I have a right or a reason to tell someone who is the “right” God… or the “right” person to love. As for me in my house, the Lord Jesus Christ is MY personal Savior. I can share my experience with people and even introduce them (God and said person), and they could do the same for me … introduce me to their God and say they have found the truth. And I cannot, will not deny anyone of their own truth. I try to live by the creed that if hurt people hurt people, then maybe loving people love people… I ask God everyday that I look like Love and talk like Love and smell like Love… and if I’m not, then to forgive me and give me a gentle reminder to spread that lovingness I’ve been given so freely.   2. solitude. I have found, mostly within the last three years of living in NYC that there is something extraordinary that happens when I am spending time with me. It’s not even always deep. Ok, maybe 60/40. During that 40 percent of the time, I’m not silent, I am just more mindful and attentive to my how I feel and what I am thinking. You know when people see you gazing off and ask, “What were you thinking about,” and typically we make up something really quickly (as to not come across ________) or we honestly forget. Well, when it’s me, I pause to think about what is actually on my heart and mind, which is something I don’t do if I’m out enjoying the day with friends.And, I do the unthinkable, about once a month, see a movie ALONE… and I laugh, I jump, I smile at people, I rush to the rest room and ask my neighbor if I’ve missed something, etc. I’ve learned how to spend time with me.   3. community. I describe my community of mentors as a slew of relay racers passing the baton. It is as if Heaven sends one or two people in my life for a season, phase, appointed time… and before I know it, they have done their share of loving me, motivating me, speaking life, connecting me with resources, giving to me selflessly and teaching me to give in the same way, and then passing the torch to the next Angel sent into my life. I promise, since the age of ten, I have had surrogate mothers, aunts, fathers, brothers, and sisters. Some who stayed for a season, some who have lasted over the years.   4. love.  I love love so much. My friends will tell you that while my love language is quality time, I enjoy being a hopeful romantic and giving thoughtful gifts from the heart, even to friends. Recently, I spent about $200 in a stationary store… I want to gather cards and little “just because” trinkets for the people in my life. I want to show people the kindness and lovingness that life has shown me over and over and over again. When I fall in love, which I did recently for the first time (other times I THOUGHT I fell), but this time was magical. I met him at an open mic. In an effort to help me see the stage, he move a random hat out the way. I said thank you without establishing eye contact (figured it was his hat). Then, I still couldn’t see, so placed his hand on my lower back and gently nudged me to better spot. I locked eyes with him and the magic started there.   5.  and remembering yesterday. I aim to be a better version of my best self. I do. I remember when I felt powerless and hopeless. Living at home in the housing project with my parents who were sick, I felt like my choices were few. How could I escape at age ten? How could I live with substance abusers? How could I cry out for help without embarrassing my family? I did. And help came. And the moment I had an opportunity to spread my wings and fly, I did. For a long time, I had to make decisions out of fear of NOT wanting to be back in what felt like a dry, desolate place. I did well in school, so I wouldn’t _______________, I respected adults, because I didn’t want to seem ungrateful for sober people, I tried out for teams, even though I’s never played, because it was a reason to stay away from home. Now I make choices from a more healthy place. I choose today to be the best me I possibly can be. I choose to live out the dream planted within me so that I can be like the steward who came back and make his seed make plenty. I know God has a serious calling on my life… and I walking towards it, taking all of the lessons that come along the way. And when I fail or fall, I get back up and try again.     Thank you for reading! Look out for posts twice a month!!! I’m #Back like never before.   Please share your thoughts, questions, reactions, etc.
Never Would Have Made It ~25 & Dashing~

NINE DAYS TO THE LAUNCH OF AYA– Motivational Speaking!!!! (original journal entry date 6/15/2009 at 11:00 p.m.) Just minutes until the big day! I sorta wanna cry. I really can’t believe it’s happening. 21 is a big deal to me and my words really can’t say why…it’s just a feeling I have. I can’t believe it’s tomorrow …today we’re celebrating Kevin’s birthday at my house (apartment ). That’s my dude. Feel like we’re going to be friends for a long time! Everyone is outside in the living room and I stole a few seconds away to write. I’m going to miss this last day of being 20. It’s so surreal…I’m really growing up. 6/15/09 at 11:20p (sitting on the couch writing) I think I’m nervous. So I just finished crying and I realized that I miss my dad, like for real. I hope he isn’t mad at me for not writing him all this time. He means more to me than I’ve ever admitted. I feel something happening …like there is something I’m about to walk into as I shift to age 21. __________ saw me crying and continued to play to the video game…instead of comforting me like my good friends from back home would have. I feel like she’s so fake and not really thoughtful. That’s how I feel right now anyway. As for ________, he seems genuinely interested in why I’m crying and being sure I’m ok. That matters to me. If we could ever just get past his thinking that women and men can’t be friends and not thinking somebody always likes him, we’d be closer. I’m broke. My birthday tea on Saturday may be cancelled and I didn’t feel like admitting that until now. It sucks. Something’s missing and I have a good feeling that it may be my father or something related to him. I just talked to my mama and I was hurt that she mentioned nothing about tomorrow but talked about her moving to 66 and champlain, strangely I wanted her attention. I’m hella emotional! Ergh! Got a few minutes to the big day and I want to be excited about it! Sorta …I’m a lot more apprehensive for aforementioned reasons. I feel like time’s moving so fast and there is so much to be done and I haven’t found myself or really synchronized my goals/gifts and dreams… I feel naive and like I wanna do everything . What really is God calling me to do? That’s what I wanna know! WHAT THE HELL DOES GOD AND THIS WORLD WANT FROM ME!?! I can’t wait to find out! sheesh! Something to be said about waiting in anticipation, about aging with fines, about needing our parents, about letting go and about growing. Who I was at 20.9 is someone I would like to meet again…just to whisper in her ear words that I’ve recently learned to whisper to myself.
“In the end, it will be ok. If it’s not ok, it’s not the end.”
I first heard Oprah say it. This quote somehow gives me peace.
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I’m living a full book story and the Author is getting a kick out of what S/he is writing creating I think way too much I’m an extremely picky eater: won’t eat Chinese food, Thai food, sea food (except Salmon!), red meat, pork, or any weird looking cuisine I’m super sensitive I have quite a few very attractive male friends… and sometimes wonder how the hell I ended up in the friend zone I am sensitive. VERY sensitive and I do not like that quality about myself. I’m yet learning to embrace it I care too much about what other people think
I sometimes have to pause and be re-reminded that I am enough. We all come with our own stuff. Our own set of brokenness, inadequacies, idiosyncrasies, failures, discouragements and I need not dramatize my “issues” to make myself feel bad. Truth is, even with all the things listed that I have learned about myself, who I am is more than enough. I needn’t judge myself or apologize or defend nor do I need to explain. Simply put, I am journeying, discovering, growing, processing, and living….no level is bad. I am exactly who I am meant to be in these reflective moments.
Until tomorrow.
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Cannot wait to share my journey with you all through journaling. I cannot imagine what is going to be revealed about me through entering excerpts of my journals that are dated as early as 2006! As you are reading, I ask that you be listen closely to messages or meanings that are woven into the entries, some of which I am still learning. After some of the entries I will do a reflection about what I have learned since the time of writing. Really excited to share with you. Join me tomorrow at 9pm for the first entry.
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