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NINE DAYS TO THE LAUNCH OF AYA– Motivational Speaking!!!! (original journal entry date 6/15/2009 at 11:00 p.m.) Just minutes until the big day! I sorta wanna cry. I really can’t believe it’s happening. 21 is a big deal to me and my words really can’t say why…it’s just a feeling I have. I can’t believe it’s tomorrow …today we’re celebrating Kevin’s birthday at my house (apartment ). That’s my dude. Feel like we’re going to be friends for a long time! Everyone is outside in the living room and I stole a few seconds away to write. I’m going to miss this last day of being 20. It’s so surreal…I’m really growing up. 6/15/09 at 11:20p (sitting on the couch writing) I think I’m nervous. So I just finished crying and I realized that I miss my dad, like for real. I hope he isn’t mad at me for not writing him all this time. He means more to me than I’ve ever admitted. I feel something happening …like there is something I’m about to walk into as I shift to age 21. __________ saw me crying and continued to play to the video game…instead of comforting me like my good friends from back home would have. I feel like she’s so fake and not really thoughtful. That’s how I feel right now anyway. As for ________, he seems genuinely interested in why I’m crying and being sure I’m ok. That matters to me. If we could ever just get past his thinking that women and men can’t be friends and not thinking somebody always likes him, we’d be closer. I’m broke. My birthday tea on Saturday may be cancelled and I didn’t feel like admitting that until now. It sucks. Something’s missing and I have a good feeling that it may be my father or something related to him. I just talked to my mama and I was hurt that she mentioned nothing about tomorrow but talked about her moving to 66 and champlain, strangely I wanted her attention. I’m hella emotional! Ergh! Got a few minutes to the big day and I want to be excited about it! Sorta …I’m a lot more apprehensive for aforementioned reasons. I feel like time’s moving so fast and there is so much to be done and I haven’t found myself or really synchronized my goals/gifts and dreams… I feel naive and like I wanna do everything . What really is God calling me to do? That’s what I wanna know! WHAT THE HELL DOES GOD AND THIS WORLD WANT FROM ME!?! I can’t wait to find out! sheesh! Something to be said about waiting in anticipation, about aging with fines, about needing our parents, about letting go and about growing. Who I was at 20.9 is someone I would like to meet again…just to whisper in her ear words that I’ve recently learned to whisper to myself.
“In the end, it will be ok. If it’s not ok, it’s not the end.”
I first heard Oprah say it. This quote somehow gives me peace.
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I’m living a full book story and the Author is getting a kick out of what S/he is writing creating I think way too much I’m an extremely picky eater: won’t eat Chinese food, Thai food, sea food (except Salmon!), red meat, pork, or any weird looking cuisine I’m super sensitive I have quite a few very attractive male friends… and sometimes wonder how the hell I ended up in the friend zone I am sensitive. VERY sensitive and I do not like that quality about myself. I’m yet learning to embrace it I care too much about what other people think
I sometimes have to pause and be re-reminded that I am enough. We all come with our own stuff. Our own set of brokenness, inadequacies, idiosyncrasies, failures, discouragements and I need not dramatize my “issues” to make myself feel bad. Truth is, even with all the things listed that I have learned about myself, who I am is more than enough. I needn’t judge myself or apologize or defend nor do I need to explain. Simply put, I am journeying, discovering, growing, processing, and living….no level is bad. I am exactly who I am meant to be in these reflective moments.
Until tomorrow.
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Cannot wait to share my journey with you all through journaling. I cannot imagine what is going to be revealed about me through entering excerpts of my journals that are dated as early as 2006! As you are reading, I ask that you be listen closely to messages or meanings that are woven into the entries, some of which I am still learning. After some of the entries I will do a reflection about what I have learned since the time of writing. Really excited to share with you. Join me tomorrow at 9pm for the first entry.
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